6 Practical Ways to Deal With Difficult People
There’s no question in this life we will come across difficult people at times, but how do we handle those moments? Mike and Chris talk about 6 practical ways to deal with difficult people in our day to day lives including sometimes when we find ourselves to be the difficult person. Prayer, humility, and forgiveness is huge in navigating relationships with difficult people.
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How do you deal with difficult people? Mike Mobley and Chris Howard land on a six-step plan, the first step-by-step list in Not Quite There history: pray for your own heart, pray for the person, move toward them instead of away, find specific ways to bless and encourage them, give them grace, and remember that you could be the difficult person in someone else’s life. From the constantly negative friend who can’t enjoy a $50 million win, to the comment-section troll, to Uncle Jiminy Billy Bob at Thanksgiving, they talk honestly about why we run from hard people (usually our own comfort and control) and how Jesus, who dealt with difficult people every day, moved toward them. Below: the key takeaways, the Scriptures discussed, and the full episode transcript.
Step 1: Pray for Your Own Heart
Mike’s difficult person is the constantly negative one. Tell them they just won $50 million and they’ll complain about buying gas on the way to pick up the check. Chris’s is the person who complains about everyone else, brags on themselves, or blames others for their misfortune. Both admit they can be difficult too. Chris points out that conflict has been with us since Eden, when Adam and Eve started blaming each other, and on through Cain and Abel. Mike is gut-level honest about why he avoids hard people: his comfort, his control, his way. It’s rarely about the other person. It’s that he doesn’t want to be put out. Because those fight-or-flight moments are coming, the guys say prepare in advance. Chris’s first step is to pray that your own heart would be soft and aligned with what God wants. Mike adds that it makes you more ready to see every person as made in the image of God, with value and purpose.
Step 2: Pray for the Person
Mike confesses he doesn’t pray enough, and issues a challenge: step up your prayer game for one week and watch what happens. The tools aren’t lacking. Chris notes there are prayer apps and timers. The real issue is that we don’t want to, or we don’t believe it’s worth it. So instead of complaining about Jiminy Billy Bob, start praying for him, maybe with a daily reminder on your phone. Something shifts. He goes from a difficult person to a real human being with real struggles, good days and bad days. Chris says we usually see only a fraction of someone, a caricature. Mike’s reminder: we’d all want someone to see us beyond the 10-second version of our worst moment.
Step 3: Move Toward Them, Not Away
Did Jesus find people difficult? Chris thinks so. He rebuked Peter and wasn’t happy when James and John asked for the seats at His right and left. Yet He went to tough places, dealt with tough crowds and carried a group of tough people in His inner circle. Mike marvels at how much Jesus moved toward people when our default is to pull away. If Jesus tells us in Matthew 5 to love and pray for our enemies, that teaching surely covers someone who is merely difficult. Chris points to David, hunted by Saul and facing conflict in his own family. So engage: start a conversation, and where it’s appropriate and welcome, meet for coffee or send an encouraging text. Mike admits he’ll never do this naturally. Only praying for his own heart and for the person first will get him there.
Step 4: Find Specific Ways to Bless and Encourage Them
This goes beyond praying for someone. Mike says to listen carefully to what they’re saying, even what they’re complaining about, and look for the godly attributes and traits you can honestly affirm. It could be a gift, or simply telling them you’re praying for them. “Specific” is the keyword. Chris is honest that we aren’t geared to give a gift to someone who hurt us. Mike sees the power in it anyway: when a difficult person receives kindness they didn’t expect, it’s a light-and-darkness moment. As Chris puts it, we’re not here for things to be easy. We’re here to do the will of God.
Step 5: Give Them Grace, and Stop Counting
God saw our shortcomings and our own potential to be difficult, and He still reached out with new life. Chris says that is the grace we extend to others, believers or not. Our actions and attitudes should show who God is, not who we are, instead of trying to manage or control the person. Mike calls forgiveness maybe the hardest step. It doesn’t mean being best friends or faking happiness. It means not writing someone off as “dead to me.” Peter wanted a number in Matthew 18:21–22. Jesus said seventy times seven, which Mike is grateful for because he still needs that grace himself. At home, Mike and his family talk with their kids, Matthew and Peyton, about Proverbs 19:11: good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense. Is it really a personal offense? Chris says more than likely not.
Step 6: Realize You Could Be the Difficult Person
This is the log-in-the-eye step, and it takes humility. Mike admits that before he was a believer he was an instigator who liked poking the bear just to make people angry. Chris recently asked a friend for prayer and added, “I’m difficult. You know this.” Self-awareness that it’s always around the corner is better than pretending otherwise. Mike’s elevator-pitch version: it’s hard to deal with difficult people, and sometimes it’s me. So look at every person as made in the image of God, show grace, honor them well, and keep forgiving, because we need forgiveness every day too.
Scriptures From This Episode
Matthew 5:43–44 (love your enemies and pray for them) · Matthew 18:21–22 (seventy times seven) · Proverbs 19:11 · Matthew 7:3–5 (the log in your own eye) · Mark 10:35–45 (James and John ask for the seats of honor) · Genesis 1:27 (made in the image of God) · Genesis 3–4 (blame in the garden, Cain and Abel) · 1 Samuel 18–19 (Saul turns against David)
Go deeper: The Example of Christ Through Conflict · How Do You Forgive Someone Who’s Hurt You? · Scripture on Forgiveness · Scripture on Humility · Scripture on Anger · Are We Really Praying For Each Other?
Full Transcript, Not Quite There, Episode 17: 6 Practical Ways to Deal With Difficult People
Mike: We’ve never rolled out a step-by-step plan on any topic we’ve ever talked about. We’re doing that today. So we’re going to see how many people enjoy six practical ways to show love to difficult people.
Mike: What band is this?
Chris: Depeche Mode.
Mike: Depeche Mode. I’m going to be honest, Depeche Mode was a little bit before my time, my friend.
Chris: Yeah, it was kind of right there in the wheelhouse.
Mike: I do know a Depeche Mode song.
Chris: Do you? What is it?
Mike: It goes like, doo doo doo doo doo doo.
Chris: Oh yeah. What’s the name of that song? Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo. Oh, the doo doo song.
Mike: It’s a Depeche Mode song. Okay.
Chris: It wasn’t a big hit, but…
Mike: Well, is Depeche Mode really a big hit? Did I just make a bunch of enemies by saying that? I feel like there are some.
Chris: I don’t know. I think it’s okay now to look back and say maybe, maybe not.
Mike: It’s been like 70 years, right?
Chris: Yeah, sure.
Mike: Sure. They’re past that.
Chris: Yeah. There have been other bands that have come along.
Mike: Speaking of 70 years. Oh, Creed. Is Creed making an appearance every episode? You brought him in this time. Speaking of Creed and 70 years, perfect segue. How was your day today?
Chris: My day was just fine. Mainly doing some digital marketing work.
Mike: Like floating in the pool?
Chris: No. No floating in the pool. Not on Wednesdays.
Mike: Oh, I’m sorry. That’s not Wednesdays. My bad.
Chris: But do you float in the pool on Wednesdays?
Mike: No, I’m not a big pool floater, to be honest. I think you’re more of a big pool floater than I am.
Chris: That sounds kind of gross.
Mike: We can’t say that seriously. No, no, that’s not my thing. Just working today. Lots of meetings, lots of prep. In the church world, the fall is quite the busy season for a lot of churches, because a lot of families are back in town from the summer, they’re getting school underway, a lot of rhythms get back into place. So it’s busy, but it’s a good kind of busy.
Chris: Well, as long as it’s a good kind of busy. Do you get excited around this time?
Mike: Oh, yeah.
Chris: A lot of work, though.
Mike: High energy, a lot of work, but like a good… you go home with a good tired kind of a feeling.
Chris: So do you like a lot of people around?
Mike: I can do both, if you’re asking me if I’m an extrovert or an introvert. Let’s talk about that. I’ve heard someone coined the phrase, is it “ambivert”? Is that a real word?
Chris: Right in the middle of it. Is that a real word?
Mike: It is. I think I’m an ambivert, and here’s why I think that is. I can be in a room with a lot of people, and I can get some energy from that and really love it. But the second I walk away, I mean, I am exhausted.
Chris: It’s to the bat cave.
Mike: Beyond exhausted. I want to go home, and I don’t want to see anyone. I need to recharge. So there’s both aspects, I guess.
Chris: It’s definitely ambivert behavior.
Mike: Right? Did I say ambivert? Because an introvert wouldn’t find any energy from the people.
Chris: No, an introvert wants nothing to do with what you’re talking about.
Mike: So I can do both. I guess ambivert. What about you?
Chris: I kind of feel like I’m an ambivert as well. I can adjust, but I have to adjust to the big crowd and the big events. I might not want to volunteer for that type of environment. But if you’re in it…
Mike: You can do it if you’re in it.
Chris: But I want to get back to the bat cave as soon as possible.
Mike: I mean, I’m not signing up to be around a thousand people every two seconds, right? But if I’m in there, it’s kind of like, well, hey, we’re here.
Chris: Because people are people.
Mike: Oh dear. Is it going to be like this?
Chris: I’m just wondering, you know, the higher the amount of people, the degree of difficulty tends to go up that you’re going to run into somebody who might be a little bit difficult to deal with.
Mike: Are you saying that people sometimes are difficult?
Chris: Yes. Do you agree with that?
Mike: Wow. That’s judgmental of you.
Chris: Well, I know I can be difficult too.
Mike: Me too. Cool, cool, cool. Yeah, I think people can be difficult, including myself, probably leading the way in my experience, more so than not. But it’s interesting you say difficult people. I think that might be what we’re talking about today. What a weird coincidence. You can’t even make this stuff up, Christian. This is wonderful stuff.
Chris: Wonderful. So let’s talk about that, Michael J. Wachowski.
Mike: Michael J. Fox? Wachowski?
Chris: Mobley.
Mike: Wow. Let’s do it.
Chris: What does it look like?
Mike: I do have a very serious look on my face, because I’m thinking about situations where people have been difficult. And we’re going to own the fact that we can be difficult too. I think we’ve already done that, but we’ll continue to do that.
Chris: What does that tend to look like? What have you seen?
Mike: Ooh. This is going to be subjective, as in what I would describe as difficult. We probably don’t have to keep prefacing it by saying we’re difficult. Let’s just get it out there. We know we’re both difficult. So everyone, please hear: we’re not saying we’re perfect. We’re done with that now. The reality is we’ve all dealt with difficult people, so surely some people can relate to this, and it’s good to talk about it.
For me, let’s see, when I’m around someone who is constantly negative. I’m not talking about someone going through a hard time, because that’s fair. It’s the person where you could say anything positive. You could be like, “Hey, you just won $50 million,” and they’re like, “Oh, I have to go drive up to the place. I think I have to go get gas on the way to get that $50 million check. And it’s hot outside.” You’re like, “Okay, bro, settle down.” So maybe the constant negativity, pessimism.
Chris: Does that just drain you? Pessimism?
Mike: Yeah, it does. I’ll walk away kind of like, “Oh man, I was really trying.” It was really challenging, really draining. So if they call me or text me, it’s possible I’ll have a little moment of like, “Oh, not this person.” Which makes me think, in my head, that would be a difficult person for me. Okay, that’s one example. What about for you?
Chris: Yeah, I would say somebody who complains a lot about other people. I’m really looking at you. Your chair is set up higher, looking down on me, but I’m looking up at you.
Mike: No one knows that Chris is basically sitting on the floor while I tower over him as we record. That’s why we don’t have cameras.
Chris: But I’m looking up at you, Mike.
Mike: Thanks, buddy.
Chris: And I’m wanting you to know that…
Mike: It’s my double chin from down below.
Chris: I wasn’t going to say anything.
Mike: Okay. Wow.
Chris: People that just brag on themselves too. That’s kind of a pet peeve. But yeah, anybody who just tends to blame other folks for how they’re feeling or their misfortune, and maybe doesn’t take a look inside. That’s another type, I would say.
Mike: But I mean, I guess the reality is we’re going to be facing difficult people pretty much on any given day. Almost to the point you can expect it. We’ve got lots of different personalities. It’s a beautiful thing that makes up the church, right? The different personalities and giftings and wirings. But on the sinful side, it comes with different personalities and skills where, I don’t know, the odds are you might get rubbed the wrong way by someone on any given day.
Chris: Yeah. I think that’s one of the things that we can expect, and not something that we’re going to be able to shelter ourselves, or even other people, away from. It’s been this way since the Garden of Eden. Look how quickly they had a falling out there and started blaming each other. And even from there, Cain and Abel, on up through the stories about Jesus and the Pharisees and the problems that they gave Him. So fast forward all the way up to our time now, and we’ve seen conflict, and that’s usually due to people who don’t have any peace inside of them, who don’t know what to do, or even that it might be going on inside of them.
Mike: That’s a good perspective. Because it also made me think of the person who’s maybe abusing their power or looking down on someone. The person who would legitimately set the chair higher than the other person’s seat, like a power trip. I would have a difficult time with that. I guess what maybe defines a difficult person is someone that’s hard to love, or someone that’s hard to serve. Can you see yourself actually serving that person, or drawing near to them to spend time with them, to love them? I guess those are the types of people where I would be like…
Chris: “Oh, I don’t want to go out of my way.” I don’t think we want to. I think we want to avoid, if given the chance, maybe not even having to talk to that person. Or if it’s a work situation, having to email with them or chat with them. Sometimes we might see that name in our inbox, or see that name light up in chat, and say, “Oh no.”
Mike: That was me. That was me earlier.
Chris: Appreciate it. Sorry.
Mike: I’m the only email you got today. It’s fun. It’s cool. We’ll talk about it later.
Chris: No, you have friends in low places down here sitting below you. So maybe one day I’ll get into that chair that you’re sitting in, buddy.
Mike: But do you find yourself… because, to be honest, that’s what I do. I drift toward it. I don’t wake up and go out of my way to say, “I’m going to avoid this person today.” But in that little two-second moment, it’s like a fight or flight moment: am I going to engage in this moment or not? And I’m definitely defaulting to “Nope, nope, nope.” Run away, like Monty Python. “Run away!” I want to avoid it. Do you do the same thing?
Chris: I do. Or I want to, at least. Oftentimes, if it’s a work situation, you can’t really run away. Usually you’re having to respond. And so I guess the key there is how do we respond when we’re dealing with somebody who’s difficult, knowing that there are a lot of ways that people can be difficult. There can certainly be the challengers, those who are always right in their mind, and their opinion matters and yours doesn’t. That’s one other example. And then, like you mentioned, those who are just constantly negative. And I mentioned those who are complaining about somebody else. There are so many different variations of it. I don’t think we can cover every single way that a person can be negative, or a way that a person can be difficult.
Mike: Ooh, the social media feed blow-up kind of person.
Chris: Yeah. Somebody who’s just a little bit…
Mike: Even though we can’t name all of them, like you just said, I’m clearly working on a list.
Chris: They’re running hot, right? They’re ready to go.
Mike: They’re trolling a post, they’re just bashing. And then probably we find them difficult. So then I guess in our emotion, we respond back in the comments, and here we go, off to the races, and it’s popcorn time for the thousand comments. Probably not loving at the end of the day.
Chris: No. And so we lose sight in those situations. So what’s our reaction to be?
Mike: I don’t want to oversimplify it. So I’m thinking, and this is for me: have you ever either found someone difficult, or didn’t want to do a task or meeting or conversation with someone, and then you were done with it and you were like, “Oh, that actually went better than I thought,” or “That was actually really good that that situation happened”? I feel like I get that experience a lot. Do you ever find yourself in a position like that? I’m going somewhere with this. I just want to see.
Chris: Let’s go where you’re going. I can’t think of a certain situation like that, even though it probably has happened. But it’s probably just, it’s in Mike Mobley’s world.
Mike: Thanks for being here with me. No, it’s just made me think, and I don’t have a whole bunch of experience with this yet, but I think sometimes that’s when the Lord is actually asking me to do something. I can think of people in my life that could pop into my head right now, and my first instinct, in my sin, might be, “I don’t want to engage with them.” And then sometimes, as I’m praying or reading the Word or talking with other people, I think the Lord’s like, “Yep. That’s the person I want you to go engage with.” Or the same thing if it’s a task or a project, and there’s this avoidance tendency. I think more often than not, that might be the Lord tapping us on the shoulder.
Chris: I’m with you on that. Usually it’s “try to avoid it” if it seems like it’s going to be difficult, whether it be a person or a project. And then there have been many times where, once you start engaging in it, it’s like, “That wasn’t so bad,” or “That person wasn’t so bad,” or “It didn’t go as bad as I thought it would.” Maybe you knew you were going to be grouped up with somebody at an event, sitting across from them, and you thought, “Oh, that time’s going to be pretty challenging.” But then it goes better than you thought. So sure, there have been those.
Mike: So I guess, in a way of answering your question of how do we respond, one of my ways of thinking about it would be to embrace the opportunity, even if it seems difficult. That would just change my perspective, instead of going, “Oh, how am I going to make the best of this?” If I’m already thinking that way, it’s going to be terrible. Or I can go, “Okay, clearly a little bit of a challenge. I’m feeling the sting in my head. God, what do You have for me in this moment? What do You have for me in the next five minutes with this person or situation?” So I guess embracing it.
Chris: Do you think Jesus found people difficult? I think He found many people difficult. He called them out pretty heavily. He rebuked Peter. He was not too happy with James and John and what they had asked, as far as sitting at His right and left hand. So there were situations like that where the disciples were, maybe, annoying. But just with that, and knowing that Jesus had to go through that and deal with difficult people, and gives us the model of how to do that, what makes us run from it? I still want to touch on that a bit. What makes us not want to engage? What do we fear losing in that situation?
Mike: I mean, for me, and you’ve got to answer this for yourself, there are times I feel like I say something so gut-level honest on here. I need to look back on these episodes. I’m going to sound terrible on this transparency factor, but you know what? We’re going to say it, because why not be real? I think I avoid it for my own comfort. I don’t want to be uncomfortable. I don’t want to deal with X person. That’s the lie I’m hearing. The sinful, negative side of me is going, “No, I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to spend time doing this.” It’s my comforts, I guess. My comforts, my control, my way. Some variant of that, for me. Funny enough, it’s rarely about the person and their circumstance. It’s more that I don’t want to be put out in the process of dealing with it. What about you?
Chris: I think that. And also, it doesn’t necessarily have to be that the person is with us or that we’re spending time with them. Even the thought of them can drum up some feelings. Maybe it was a situation that happened that just hasn’t been reconciled, and there are still some strong emotions there. So with the thought of that person, you’re taking your focus and putting it on them, and the negativity you’re feeling is just, “Okay, I don’t want to deal with them, or deal with this thing I’m feeling about them.” And so therefore, it’s avoiding.
Mike: So you just avoid it, because “I don’t want to go there. I don’t want to deal with it. I don’t want to drum all that up,” or “I don’t want to be vulnerable.”
Chris: “I’d rather just say no to going to the event versus having to see that person.”
Mike: Man, isn’t it crazy how much Jesus moved toward everyone, toward people? I guess it shouldn’t be too ironic. Our default is to pull away.
Chris: Yeah. Just throughout His ministry, how He went to tough places and dealt with tough people, tough crowds, carried along a group of tough people who were part of His inner circle, and didn’t shy away from it. So definitely our example there.
Mike: And we know there are different spots in Scripture where Jesus calls us. He models for us, like you said, even with the Pharisees or the disciples, He models this patience. He modeled a way that people can still be difficult, but there can still be a loving way to respond to them. And it doesn’t even necessarily mean you’re responding to their every need or complaint either, because sometimes people would come to Jesus and bring up a topic, and the way He would answer it, they’re like, “You’re not even talking about the topic.” So He clearly modeled it, and then He teaches us in different spots in the Bible. In Matthew 5, to love your enemies. And now we’re not even talking about enemies. A straight-up enemy is someone who’s actually opposing you. If He’s telling us to pray for and love people who would oppose us, you would have to be able to, with context, take the same teaching and apply it to someone who’s being difficult.
Chris: Yeah, that really broadens it out, doesn’t it? It’s not just somebody who’s in your circle, or somebody you work with, or even a family member. When I think of family members too, and what David had to go through within his own family. First of all, he had Saul, who had a problem with him. David didn’t cause that on purpose, but he had Saul wanting to kill him. And then David would face all sorts of challenges in his family, also people wanting to kill him. So just knowing that there are those situations within your inner circle, but even with those that you don’t know well, maybe online, that just disagree with you and demonize you, or say, “You’re completely wrong.” Certainly that’s happening, and it happens a lot today.
Mike: Or they just disagree with you, and then we respond by demonizing them. You let the emotions get the best of you, and it’s like, they just disagreed with you, or they just have a different viewpoint. Or maybe they don’t even share your viewpoint or your values. Maybe they’re not a follower of Jesus, and they’re not going to line up with Christian values, because why would they?
Chris: Why would they respond in a way they don’t know how to respond?
Mike: They don’t even know the value of it, right? I know I’m difficult today. I’m a difficult person, and I’ve been a difficult person before. I know before I was a believer, I’d be an instigator. I wouldn’t mind poking the bear with people. It sounds bad, but just to drum up, I don’t know, maybe even get them angry, so then I could feel good about myself and be like, “See? Look, they’re angry.” So some people out there are just playing with us, trying to do that.
We talk about this in our home with our kids, because they will sometimes be difficult to each other and argue. Who knew that siblings would sometimes fight and mess with each other? One will get so easily offended. Matthew could call Peyton “poopy pants,” something like that, and Peyton’s so mad, so angry. And we talk a lot about Proverbs 19:11. I’m pretty sure it’s 19:11. “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.” So how much more could we glorify the Lord by being slow to anger and overlooking an offense? If there’s a difficult person out there, is it really, at gut level, a personal offense to us?
Chris: More than likely not. It just might be their reaction to the world in general, and you just happen to be in the way at that point, or happen to be the person.
Mike: Or you might be the person God put there. You might be the roadblock, intentionally, to confront them, and they may not even realize it. It’s just interesting. And you mentioned families. That’s a whole audience right there. I haven’t met someone who doesn’t have at least one difficult person in their family. Not yet. Never met that. So anyone could be listening right now and thinking, “Oh yeah.”
Chris: Somebody comes to mind, right?
Mike: Uncle Jiminy Billy Bob.
Chris: You’re probably already thinking about November and Thanksgiving and people getting together.
Mike: Not to give people anxiety, right? Sorry about that. It’s true, though. Opportunities are going to come.
Chris: I think so. There’s always going to be… and obviously this isn’t simple. It’s complicated. It can take on many forms. There could be a lot of people in your life that can be difficult, maybe right now during this time, and maybe at different times. But obviously it’s something that we’re called to deal with. If Jesus had to deal with it, then we’re to carry that burden as well, and seek His help. I know we’re kind of cutting to the chase there with the solution, but it’s not easy. It’s not easy because I think we’re easily distracted from seeing Jesus on a regular basis throughout the day when things like that are going on and we’re mixing it up with people.
Mike: Well, I think also, when we have time to think about it, like talking about this right now, we’re going to be calmer, and we can think about a difficult person without that quick jolt response. I don’t know if this is true, but I feel like sometimes these scenarios bring about that fight or flight moment. Like we said, talking about it right now, it sounds simple. But in that moment of fight or flight, I feel like that’s where it feels intense and impossible, and you’re like, “I don’t know what to do.” And then we just don’t handle it well. Then even after that moment, you’re kind of like, “Okay, maybe I need to be more patient.” So it almost makes me want to prep for the fight or flight moment. Stay proactive, because it’s coming. It’s the nature of life. We’re going to have those moments. Difficult people, fight or flight moment, here it comes. How can I prepare in advance?
Chris: I think we would be foolish not to prepare for those situations, knowing what we know. First of all, I think we have to think about it and recognize, number one, this is going to happen. And maybe that doesn’t happen enough. Maybe we walk in and we’re just really positive about the day and don’t think about running across difficult people. But when it happens, it’s just, “Oh, they’re just not a positive person.” So I just don’t think it’s front of mind enough to have a plan. And that’s where I think what you’re saying is right. What can we do to get out ahead of it, so that we do respond well, and we don’t make the problem of difficult people even worse, and even be difficult ourselves?
Mike: So is this one of those episodes of Not Quite There where we’re going to give practical ways? I think we have a six-step plan. We’ve never rolled out a step-by-step plan on any topic we’ve ever talked about. We’re doing that. So we’re going to see how many people enjoy six practical ways to show love to difficult people. You should roll with step number one.
Chris: That’s where we’re going today. So, practical ways. One thing we can do is…
Mike: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Are you ready to write these down? Or pull over the car.
Chris: Maybe even, if you have your phone there, get ready to type it in.
Mike: Ask AI to prepare your notes.
Chris: Everybody ready?
Mike: Here we go.
Chris: Step one: pray for your own heart. Boom. In our own strength, in our own heart that maybe isn’t really following after God that day, if we’re being selfish, if we’re not aligned with God and His purpose for us, then certainly our own heart can have us respond negatively. So start with praying for your own heart. Praying that it would be soft, praying that it would be the same as what God wants.
Mike: That’s good, because I think that’ll also raise the barometer. Like you said, we don’t necessarily walk through the day expecting it. We’re like, “Oh, a difficult person. How could that have happened?” But if you’re praying in your own walk with the Lord, and praying for your own heart, you’re probably a little bit more conscious of looking at human beings in general as people made in the image of God, and they have value and purpose. So you’re almost more ready, I think.
Chris: Yeah. And whether a certain person comes to mind, or whether you’re just praying in general for anybody you run across that day, it certainly doesn’t hurt to pray about that.
Mike: Sure. So step one, pray for your own heart.
Chris: You like number two, so go ahead.
Mike: Number two. Okay. So it’s another prayer one. Sidebar on prayer and the power of prayer: we don’t do that enough. And I’m going to confess, I don’t do that enough. So everyone can feel good. We’re all in the same boat. We don’t do it enough. And there’s so much power, and so much relationship to be developed with Jesus when we pray, and then relationships with each other when we pray for each other. It’s so powerful. And if you don’t believe us, give it a week. Step up your prayer game for a week and watch what happens. Take stock of that.
Chris: We have all the tools that we need, right? There’s a prayer app that will send you prompts, certain messages at certain times. You can set your own timer. There’s always opportunity.
Mike: The resources aren’t lacking. It’s just that we don’t want to do it, if we’re going to be honest, or we just don’t believe it’s worth it. So take that as a sidebar challenge. I wasn’t expecting that. But step one, pray for your own heart. Step two, pray for the person. There is a huge difference when you think of Jiminy Billy Bob, our difficult person example, and you go, “Okay, you know what? Instead of complaining about that person or thinking negatively, I’m going to start praying for them. I’m going to start right now.” I might even set a reminder in my phone to pray for them every day or every week, or when I know I’m going to interact with Jiminy Billy Bob. And you would be amazed how your heart opens up to that person, because now they’ve gone from a difficult person in your life to just a real human being with real struggles, good days, bad days. It will absolutely soften your heart toward them.
Chris: I think you’ve touched on something really important there: being able to see that person as a real person who does have hurts, who does have challenges. We’re only seeing a fraction of who they are, usually, if we don’t know them really well. Sometimes they can just be a caricature of something you believe about them, and it’s not that way.
Mike: And we would want people to think of us that way. Imagine when you have a bad moment, even in front of a stranger. You might just write it off and go, “Well, I’ll never see him again.” But they have a really incomplete view of who you are too. We would all love the chance for someone to see beyond a 10-second version of ourselves.
Chris: Yeah, you’re right. So pray for your own heart, and then pray for that person. Then here’s the key.
Mike: Wait, is this step three?
Chris: It’s step three. This is what Jesus did really well in modeling this for us: He moved toward the person, not away. We see that in the people who reached out to Him for healing and for miracles. He didn’t walk away from them. In fact, sometimes He even stopped what He was doing to make sure He was attentive to them, even while He was trying to do something else or moving on to the next thing. So, intentionally engaging with difficult people instead of avoiding them. That’s the model there. And there’s opportunity there. We can find ways to connect, start a conversation with them. We can even, in the right circumstance, if they’re open to it and it’s appropriate, meet for coffee, or send them a text that encourages them, that shows you recognize they’re a person too, and that they need encouragement.
Mike: I’m going to say right now, I’m not going to naturally move toward the difficult person without the prayer, honestly. Without praying for my own heart and then praying for the person. That’s the only way I think I’ll do it, because what you’re describing seems so opposite of my natural default. I feel like I’ve never stopped and gone, “Oh, wait, a difficult person, like Jiminy Billy Bob. Let me move in closer.”
Chris: Especially if you’ve been at odds with somebody, or have had an argument, or there were hurtful things said.
Mike: I want to move away. That’s good. That’s step three. So we’ve got: pray for your own heart, pray for the person, move toward the person, not away. Number four. Ooh, this is going to be challenging. Find specific ways to bless and encourage the person. That means you’re not just praying for them. You’re taking the extra effort to listen very carefully to what they’re saying, maybe even what they could be complaining about, what they’re difficult about, and you’re looking for the godly attributes or character traits, or just anything you can come back to them with to show your appreciation for them. It could be a gift. It could just be telling them you’re praying for them. But there’s got to be a way, something you could do to speak life into them. So find specific ways, and “specific” is the keyword, to bless and encourage someone.
Chris: And it’s not natural to us to move toward somebody who’s hurt us, or said something we don’t agree with. We certainly aren’t geared toward, “I want to give them a gift.”
Mike: No, no. But you mentioned the power in that, though, because they would receive something from you and be like, “Oh, like this?” That’s a moment. That would be a light and darkness moment.
Chris: I feel like it. But again, we’re not here for things to be easy. We’re here to do the will of God, and it’s not always going to be comfortable.
Mike: Yeah. That’s a good word.
Chris: Being able to do that. So: pray for your own heart, pray for them, move toward them, not away, find specific ways to bless and encourage them. Number five: give them grace, just as God extends grace to us. That’s what we’re to do. We’re to approach them with humility, knowing that God has seen our own shortcomings and our own potential to be difficult people, and He still has reached out to us to give us a new life, to be able to walk in this salvation with Him. So we’ve received a huge gift, being imperfect. And so we’re also to treat others, whether they’re believers or not, knowing there’s imperfection there, with actions and attitudes that demonstrate grace, that demonstrate who God is, not who we are. And I think sometimes we get caught up in how we want to feel about it, and what we can control, and how we need to be able to manage the situation. Maybe even manage the person. Maybe we’re trying to control the person through that.
Mike: Wow. Yeah.
Chris: That stings a little bit.
Mike: Well, I think this one… they all sound hard when we say them. I think this one might be one of the hardest, because we can forgive, even if someone straight up hurt us, whether they’re difficult or they’re an enemy, if we think about everything Jesus has forgiven us for. It doesn’t mean you have to be best friends with someone. And it doesn’t mean the friendship or relationship can’t still be difficult or rocky. No one’s saying that forgiveness equates to fake happiness or being buddy-buddy. It’s not like that. It’s in your own heart, not writing off another human being and thinking something like, “Well, I’m done with them. Case closed, concluded, they’re dead to me.” So forgiveness can still happen in our own hearts and minds toward someone, which might be incredibly difficult. But that’s when you can also extend your hands to the Lord and go, “Okay, Jesus, as You have forgiven me, I know I can turn toward this person and forgive them.”
Chris: Exactly. And I think Peter, in Matthew 18:21 through 22, was trying to get to the root of that. “How many times do I have to forgive the one who has sinned against me? Come on. I want to know the number. I want to know when I can actually turn my back on them and just write them off and be done with them.” And what does Jesus say there?
Mike: I thought you were going to tell me.
Chris: Well, it’s not rhetorical.
Mike: I mean, unlimited, right? It’s an unlimited, infinite number.
Chris: Not seven times. Seventy times seven.
Mike: Which, by the way, is still not a number to say, “Oh, when I’ve reached that moment, then they can be dead to me.”
Chris: Hopefully nobody’s being that rotten to you, and you’re not being that rotten to somebody that many times.
Mike: They’re writing it down and going, “Okay, what is seventy times seven?” You can figure that one out, I’m sure. But biblically, that number is an infinite amount, which, praise God for that, because I still sin. And I don’t know if, this side of heaven, that’s ever going to be fully finished in my life. Not as an excuse to sin, but I still sin. So I need Jesus’ grace and forgiveness an unlimited amount of times, please. Please and thank you, and praise God for that. And so surely I can look, and again, not making it easy, but I can look at another person made in the image of God and forgive them.
Chris: We’re in the same boat there. I’m glad that Peter asked that question too, because it’s so quintessential of who we are as humans, right? We want an out.
Mike: We want an out. We want a loophole.
Chris: For sure. There are no loopholes.
Mike: Okay. Final one. Drum roll. Number one, pray for your own heart. Number two, pray for them. Number three, move toward them, not away. Number four, find specific ways to bless and encourage them. Number five, give them grace, just as God extends grace to you. And number six… I thought you were going to do a drum roll. Thanks for the non-drum roll and cymbal. Realize that you, too, could be the difficult person in someone else’s life.
Ouch. That one hurts a little bit. This is a log-in-the-eye perspective, my friends. Why don’t you describe the log in the eye?
Chris: The log in the eye is being hypocritical. I would summarize it as that: “You’ve got the problem,” when the whole time, let’s focus on you.
Mike: It’s humbling. The sixth and final practical step here involves a lot of humility.
Chris: There should be, right?
Mike: I mean, have you ever asked people, like your friends…?
Chris: I actually told a friend this week, after asking for some prayer and giving them some context about the situation I was asking prayer about. He wrote back to me and said, “Yeah, that’s a lot to think about.” And I let him know, “I’m difficult. You know this.” So having that awareness, I would say, is always better: that you can be difficult, and that it’s always around the corner, waiting.
Mike: I do like the idea of self-reflection, of who we are in Jesus, and wrapping it up there near the end with, let’s just not forget, we still make mistakes, and the person in front of you is still going to make mistakes too. So even if you forgive them and they’re difficult the next time, that’s okay. You can forgive them again, because we need forgiveness each and every day as well. That’s the first time we’ve had a list of practical steps here.
Chris: Let us know what you think about that.
Mike: Six practical steps to show love to difficult people.
Chris: Put these in action, and let us know if they’re helpful as you think about these steps along the way.
Mike: If you have a step to add, if you want to make it seven, nice biblical number, or if you think these steps are terrible and you would revise them, send us a note, leave us a message, shoot us a voicemail. Share with us your experience.
Chris: Yeah. We’d like to hear more from you. That’s right. So, takeaways. Mike, if you had to summarize it…
Mike: The six practical ways that we just said? Bullet points?
Chris: I’m talking about, you’re in the elevator with your buddy, and he says, “You know what? I heard this the other day. I know you’re dealing with a difficult person. This is what this episode was about. Here you go.”
Mike: Oh, wow. Okay. You’re putting me on the spot. Elevator. Ding.
Chris: Well, you are sitting up higher in the chair.
Mike: Thank you. I would just talk about how sometimes it’s hard in life to deal with difficult people. And sometimes I need the reminder that, man, sometimes it’s me. And how can I really look at each person as a human being made in the image of God, so I can show grace and honor them well, even if they’re having a difficult moment? How can I grow my patience toward them in that?
Chris: That’s exactly how I would say it.
Mike: They’re probably going to be like, “Well, I don’t want to listen to that. Can I get out of this elevator?”
Chris: “This episode sounds terrible.” “Stop being such a difficult person. Stop being a jerk. Stop complaining about everything.”
Mike: No!
Chris: Thanks so much for joining us. Please consider rating and reviewing our podcast and hitting subscribe on whichever platform you prefer.
Outro: Remember to keep moving forward, because we’re not quite there.
