Why Is It So Hard To Receive A Compliment Or A Gift?
In this episode the guys explore the difficulty and discomfort in receiving compliments and gifts. Psychological barriers, such as pride and feelings of unworthiness, often prevent us from accepting good things. Why is this?
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Why is it so hard to receive a compliment or a gift? Mike Mobley and Chris Howard talk about why a sincere compliment makes almost everyone squirm, how pride and feeling unworthy or “not capable” can hide behind our pushback, why receiving can be especially hard for natural givers, what refusing a gift does to the giver, how the free gift of the gospel challenges our need to pay people back, and a simple challenge: say “Thank you” and let the silence sit. Below: the key takeaways, the Scripture discussed, and the full episode transcript.
Why Compliments Make Us Squirm
When someone looks you in the eye and gives you a genuine, specific compliment, there’s no catch and no comeback. You just have to receive it. In small groups where everyone takes a turn speaking life into one person, the first thought is often, “I hate this. See you later.” Even at award ceremonies or a company “honor chair,” where people know recognition is coming, most want off the stage as fast as possible. Most of us don’t want the spotlight, and many of us don’t feel worthy of the praise.
Is It Pride?
Receiving can feel like admitting we’re not capable. Chris grew up in a single-parent household without much money, and accepting rides or help just to be part of things was never easy. Today, when someone pays for him, part of him still thinks, “I can pay. I’ve come a long way.” Mike notes that when he gives a compliment or a gift, he has never once thought the other person wasn’t capable. The resistance on the receiving end may be a quiet form of pride.
The Free Gift of the Gospel
This struggle helps explain why the gospel is so hard for us to accept. It really is free. Jesus did everything, and we contribute zero percent, yet something in us still says, “That can’t be right.” Turning down a gift can even be disrespectful to the giver. God is the One who sacrificed His Son. When we refuse what is freely given, the joy of giving is lost for both sides.
Givers Can Struggle the Most
Chris’s wife, Jessica, a care minister, sees people exercising their “giving muscles” all the time. She points out that for people whose spiritual gift is giving, receiving is doubly hard, because they see giving as their role. Fundraising for a mission trip is a good example: few people look forward to sending a support letter. But asking simply gives others an opportunity to give, and when help comes, you get to practice the art of saying thank you.
We Need Each Other
We drift toward isolation because it feels easier, but deep down we know life isn’t meant to be lived alone. We need friends, counsel, wisdom, a laugh, sometimes money or clothing, and sometimes just a good word. When you feel prompted to encourage or give, don’t delay, because a well-timed word can mean more than you’ll ever know. And remember that the people around you may be prompted too. Don’t get in the way of what God is doing through them by refusing to receive.
Just Say Thank You
The challenge is simple: the next time someone offers you a compliment or a gift, say “Thank you,” and then stop talking. Don’t deflect, joke it away, or rush to pay it back. Leading with gratitude makes receiving easier, and a gift is meant to be enjoyed. Keep exercising your giving muscles, but grow your receiving muscles too, because God often gives to you through other people, sometimes exactly when you need it.
Scriptures From This Episode
Ephesians 2:8–9 (“For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.”)
Romans 8:32 (“He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?”)
Also referenced: the spiritual gift of giving (Romans 12:6–8) and every good gift coming from God (James 1:17).
Go deeper: Can You Take A Compliment? · Why Is It So Hard To Ask For Help? · What Is God’s Grace? · That Gift You Never Asked For · Scripture on Giving · Scripture on Humility · Scripture on Thankfulness
Full Transcript, Not Quite There, Episode 39: Why Is It So Hard To Receive A Compliment Or A Gift?
Mike: How do you think everyone’s feeling when they hear me describe it like that?
Chris: Probably changing to a different podcast. Buddy, the sun is shining. The wind is dying down here in the DFW area. Finally. We are set for another round of NQT.
Mike: NQT! It’s been really windy here in the DFW area. Lots of dust.
Chris: Strong winds. Quite strong.
Mike: Quite strong winds. Where in the world are high winds normal?
Chris: Normal high winds?
Mike: Yeah. Where do you go where it’s windy all the time?
Chris: Maybe the highlands of Scotland.
Mike: I was going to say Scotland. I was thinking Scotland. Scotland, mate. Oh, wait. No, sorry.
Chris: I’m confused. My brain’s doing backflips right now. Okay. Scotland. What about Chicago? Chicago is the Windy City.
Mike: The Windy City.
Chris: You know why it’s the Windy City?
Mike: Is it because it’s by the water?
Chris: It is, by the lake. By which lake, Mike?
Mike: Don’t ask me that question. Come on. Geographically… The Finger Lakes.
Chris: No, no fingers in these lakes. It’s Lake Michigan!
Mike: Same thing. It was also known as the Finger Lakes.
Chris: No.
Mike: Is this because you’re the cool guy from Chicago?
Chris: Colorado.
Mike: Chicago people. Here we go. Hi, cool Chicago people.
Chris: That makes you sound cooler when you say it like that.
Mike: I’m feeling quite cool here.
Chris: But the Finger Lakes, I think those are up in the New York area.
Mike: So here’s a hot take you didn’t think I was going to throw at you. Matthew was asking me the other day who the best NBA team was and who had the most three-peats, and we looked it up, because I thought this, but I had to look it up to make sure: two three-peats by the Bulls in the nineties. Do you think that’s one of the best NBA teams that’s existed?
Chris: Or would you say another team? I think the Bulls of the nineties. And also the Lakers and Celtics back in the day. So it’s usually those three vaunted franchises. Not the Mavericks. And especially not the Mavericks now.
Mike: No, we’re not talking about that again. I don’t want to talk about it. If you’re interested in our take on the Luka trade, go back and listen to our Grab Bag episode.
Chris: Sorry, everybody.
Mike: It’s in the title. Speaking of what’s in the title, what do you think is in the title for today’s conversation?
Chris: I believe we’re going to be talking about how difficult, how hard it can be to receive…
Mike: That’s right. To receive…
Chris: To receive what? To receive gifts. To receive compliments. To receive a nice thing. We’re not talking about receiving bad things, like somebody leaving something on your doorstep that you don’t want.
Mike: It’s the feeling when someone straight up speaks into your life and gives you something really encouraging, really specific about you. They pay you a genuine compliment, and you have to receive it, and that’s it. There’s no catch. There’s no comeback. You’re not even giving it back to the person. You just sit there and receive a compliment. How do you think everyone’s feeling when they hear me describe it like that?
Chris: Probably changing to a different podcast. Yeah, probably feeling like that. What are those situations where you’ve seen people having to sit there and endure a compliment, and maybe squirm while they’re receiving it?
Mike: In my world lately, it’s when you’re encouraging or empowering someone. We’ve talked about this too. It’s those rare moments when someone looks you straight in the eye and says something really direct about you that’s very encouraging. A good word: “You do a great job.” I’d have to think of a specific example, but I know when I bring this up with people, everyone squirms. And when I’m on the receiving end personally, I feel that way on the inside too. We’ve done this in our small groups before, where we’ve taken weeks and everyone speaks life into one person. It would be, okay, this week everyone is going to look at Chris, and we’re going to go around the room, and everyone’s going to say something encouraging that’s really specific.
Chris: I’ll see you guys later.
Mike: And that’s exactly it. The number one thought is, “I hate this. See you later. I don’t want this.”
Chris: Formalized cringe.
Mike: Right. I hate it. So why is it so cringey? Why is it so cringey for everyone?
Chris: We’re definitely not prepared for it, right? Unless people know they’re going to receive an award, or they get tipped off that, yeah, you’re probably going to get this award here. Like an Oscar. No, Oscars aren’t in my world.
Mike: Just mine.
Chris: Or a Dundie award.
Mike: A Dundie. A Dundie statue. All right. Let’s settle down here.
Chris: Let’s get back in there. Thanks for singing. So in my world, if you’re in sales and you’re obviously the one who’s made the most over the year, and there’s an award ceremony at the end of the year or the beginning of the next one to celebrate what’s happened, you probably know you’re going to get some mention, some call-out. And how comfortable is that?
Mike: I think you’re still uncomfortable. They may know it’s coming, but then they go on stage, or they get placed in front of whoever. Here comes Mr. CEO: “Here’s your glass trophy award.” If he just gives you a pat on the back, “Great job,” and people clap, I don’t think it’s really that. But what if the CEO turns to you and says, “You did an incredible job this year. Here’s why, blah, blah, blah, because of who you are”? I really think they’re feeling uncomfortable in that moment, even though they knew it was coming.
Chris: I tell you what, a lot of the business I do is on Zoom still these days. It became very popular during COVID, and rightly so. During company meetings, we have something called an honor chair. People are nominated, and then people take turns speaking about why they really enjoy working with that employee, or something they’ve done, or an account they’ve been on. And every single time, they ask the person, “Do you want to say a few words?” And it’s, “I really appreciate it. Thank you very much. I love working here.” They’re trying to get off that Zoom stage, or when it’s in person, that real stage, right away. They don’t want to spend a lot of time with the focus on people saying you’re great.
Mike: It makes me go, okay, at least I can process for a second, because I can’t speak for everyone. I don’t want the attention on me. That’s definitely part of it. Which is funny; people think the opposite because of acting and things like that. I still don’t want the attention. People are made in many different ways, but I still think the average person does not want the attention. Obviously some people do, but I don’t want the spotlight on me. And then maybe I don’t feel worthy of the compliment.
Chris: Because you know some stuff about you. I know when you might have had a bad attitude while filling out that document. “Mike is wonderful at admin work. He never fails to make sure he fills out that document.”
Mike: I didn’t know what example you were going to say there. No, I guess maybe that’s it. I feel unworthy or undeserving. I think it’s something like that, because what would make me feel better would probably be to pay someone back, or say, “No, this isn’t about me. It’s all of us. Get it off me.” Pay it back, or just straight up, which sounds really disrespectful, actually, straight up tell the person, “No, no, no, no. Don’t give me the compliment.” What about for you?
Chris: It’s difficult to be in the spotlight for those kinds of things, because whenever you do something really well, usually it’s because other people have helped along the way, or there’s been some teamwork, and it might just fall on you that everything went well and you get the spotlight for it. So I’ve never been comfortable with, “Okay, let’s call you out and talk about you and all that you’ve done.” I just don’t think that’s something I’ll ever be comfortable with.
Mike: What if it was something you really did do by yourself? You’re still uncomfortable with it?
Chris: I think so, because maybe it was just the right thing to do, and you weren’t expecting to get any attention for it. So when people call you out and say, “You did this and it was great,” if it’s something you did by yourself, well, that’s probably something that just needed to be done anyway. So that probably causes some discomfort as well.
Mike: Yeah. I think when we’re on the receiving end, with no response needed and no payback needed, I don’t know of many other areas of my life where that’s the case. I don’t have a lot of people in my life where the thought is “no strings attached,” because I think we’re normally thinking in our heads, “What’s the attachment?” Which of course makes me think of the gospel. I think that’s also one of the reasons the free gift of the gospel is so hard for us to understand. Because it is free. And when you tell someone, “Christianity is this: you can’t do it, and Jesus did everything for you, and you literally contribute zero percent,” my flesh can still hear that right now and go, “Really? That doesn’t seem right.” But why do I have such a blockage in me that still today goes, “That can’t be right”?
Chris: So if words are difficult to receive, a good word about ourselves or about something we’ve done, then money’s got to be easier, right? When people give you a gift, or contribute something financially to you, that’s all easy, right?
Mike: Yeah. Obviously being a little sarcastic there. It probably gets worse. A word, a gift…
Chris: Somebody buying you lunch when you weren’t expecting it.
Mike: Yeah. You can’t pay them back.
Chris: If you’re like me, you feel like, okay, when can I pay them back? What’s the next time we get together? Because I’m going to want to do something in return, right?
Mike: But why? The hard part is drilling down. Why is that?
Chris: Is that a pride thing?
Mike: I was going to ask you if it has something to do with pride, because it feels so strong. I want to clench my fists when I’m on the receiving end, like, “Don’t. Don’t do this for me.” I feel like there’s something about pride in that. But I’m not walking around going, “Hey, look at me. I’m prideful.” It almost feels like a false… some version of pride. You’re smarter with words than me. So tell us.
Chris: What are these words?
Mike: Yeah. What are these words that you’re saying?
Chris: Well, I know that’s been a hard thing for me. In episode three, I think, we talked about our stories. I grew up without a lot of money. That’s just the way it was in a single-parent household. And so people offering me rides to school, or paying for certain things just so I could be a part of something, that was never easy. And I think some of that still rears its head today. Whenever somebody gives me something or pays for me, it takes me right back there for a second: “Well, I can pay. I’ve come a long way. This doesn’t have to be.”
Mike: Is that what goes through your head? “Hey, I can get myself from point A to point B. You don’t need to give me a ride. I’m capable.” Okay, maybe we’re getting somewhere with this.
Chris: Maybe the logic is, “Why are they offering to pay? Do they think that I can’t? They think I’m not capable?”
Mike: And that could be a pride thing. There we go. That actually might make a lot of sense. I could see an argument where, on my side, I would think that by receiving blank, whatever it is, I might be admitting that I’m not capable, or I might be letting the person think I’m not capable. Which, I’ll say, whenever I’ve been able to give a compliment or give someone something, I’ve never one time thought someone’s not capable, so I’ll do blank. It’s never been that. So I really don’t think any of us who’ve done this on the proactive side have ever done it out of a motivation of “you’re not capable.” But I do wonder if the hard part of receiving it is because maybe I feel less than in a way.
Chris: I think that’s part of it.
Mike: You’re hunching over big time, because your microphone is lowering as we speak.
Chris: We’re going to work this out.
Mike: We’re not going to be able to have video for a while because of some technical difficulties, but if you could see Chris and the way he’s lowering his head and hunching over to get in front of the microphone… This is a chiropractor’s dream right now. Chiropractors are lining up to give him a call.
Chris: So if you want to give to our production, we’re not going to accept it, because we don’t want you to feel sorry for us.
Mike: We’re too prideful to take it anyway. But yeah, maybe there’s a “I’m capable, you don’t need to say this to me,” which I definitely think would come out of pride. There’s got to be pride there.
Chris: And I think there are friends we have who offer things, and they just want you to be a part of something or enjoy something, and even that is hard at times: accepting those free gifts, or free tickets, or those invitations. But I think that has more to do with us than them. And do we really think about what it does to them if we don’t accept, or if we push back, or if we’re prideful and say, “Yeah, don’t worry about it”?
Mike: I actually think it could be disrespectful. Sometimes I think there are those of us who could reject something like the gospel, and it really is like saying, “Oh, God, I can’t do that.” And He’s like, “Well, I’m the one who sacrificed My Son. I’m the one who did everything here.” It’s kind of prideful not to take it. Perfect example: I want to give you a gift, and you say no so much that I’d be like, “Just take the gift, man.” Now, instead of it being an enjoyable transaction, so to speak, the whole joy behind it is potentially gone. And it also makes me think of people who… this life is hard, and this world is very challenging. There are a lot of hurting people out there, and a lot of people who were brought up in homes where, frankly, they probably never got a compliment or a gift or anything like that. So to receive one later, it’s probably this instant, “I don’t even know what this is.”
Chris: It’s foreign. Is it good or bad?
Mike: A hundred percent.
Chris: “What do I do with this?”
Mike: Joelle and I didn’t really grow up in households where apologies from parent to child were common. It might have been a generational thing, and I don’t think it was just our households. I think that’s kind of a thing. And I remember when our kids were really little, the first couple of times Joelle and I apologized to them, they looked at us like, “What is this? What is happening?” It was a foreign concept. But that dynamic is so healthy. And if we have something to say to someone that can give them life, we have no idea what they could be going through. I don’t have all the experience in the world on this, but I’ve had times, and you tell me, I think you’ve had these times too, where you have a good word for someone, or a gift, and there was something more going on in their world, and your timing was nothing short of a miracle. It meant so much to them. You would have never known. But you also would have never known if you didn’t go for it. So sometimes, when I think about giving a compliment or a gift, it helps me think through their perspective. Then if I’m ever on the receiving end, it may not be easier, but it could help me accept it in those moments, and then stop talking and just say, “Thank you.”
Chris: Thank you. And I think there’s an art to saying thank you. Two very simple words, but very hard to say sometimes. I did ask my wife about this, because she’s in the role of a care minister, so she sees people giving to others all the time, in a lot of different situations where people are exercising their giving muscles. Their “giving muscles.”
Mike: Did she say it like that too, with an accent? Does your wife ever have an accent?
Chris: She still has a little bit of Northern Louisiana.
Mike: What does that sound like? You talk to her every day. Just give me an example, man. What’s a Louisiana…
Chris: No, it’s more subtle. Sweet. It’s the best accent ever.
Mike: Oh, wow. You took a page out of Jack Terrell there. Can Jessica do any other accents?
Chris: I don’t think that’s one of her strengths.
Mike: She can’t do a British accent, or an Australian?
Chris: Now you sound Scottish.
Mike: I can’t do them either. I was just curious. You know what? Maybe we’ll have our wives on the podcast someday for the wife episode.
Chris: I’d listen to it one day.
Mike: We’ll go from there. So what did she say?
Chris: She said that when you’re a giver, when you’re a person who likes to give, and that’s one of your spiritual gifts, it’s doubly hard to receive, because you feel like giving is your role. So something coming back at you is a bit more difficult, because you want to be the person in that role, giving.
Mike: I could see that. When you said the lost art of thank you, I wonder if a good challenge could be: in this day or any given week coming up, we’ll probably have opportunities, more or less. I bet anyone listening will have an opportunity to say “Thank you,” with silence afterward. Nothing else. Not “Thank you, and…” Nope, nope, nope, nope. Just say “Thank you.”
Chris: That potentially feels uncomfortable.
Mike: That does. That silence. Just letting it sit.
Chris: Why? Because I think we’re expecting some pushback, like, “No, no, no, you didn’t have to do that,” or “You don’t have to say that.”
Mike: Or maybe joking too.
Chris: Yeah.
Mike: A hundred percent.
Chris: It can take a lot of different forms instead of “Thank you.”
Mike: Do you think a good antidote to feeling uncomfortable is to have empathy and get in the shoes of the person who’s giving it? Sometimes I think, you know what? We all need it. There are billions of people on the planet. Who doesn’t need a good word or a gift? What do you think a good solution is, if it’s an ongoing struggle for some?
Chris: I would say, if you’re on the giving end, continue to give. Continue to offer those good words and those good actions. I think the work has to be done on the receiving end. And you tell me, but there are certain friends I have where you just know: okay, they’re buying lunch today, and next time I’m buying lunch, and we don’t even have to talk about it. It’s just going to happen this way. And I love that. I love the comfort there. It doesn’t matter to me if you buy it or I buy it. We’re good either way.
Mike: What do you think helps with that comfort? What brings about or increases that comfort?
Chris: I think time together. You’ve seen it happen, you know it’s going to happen, and you know it’s going to happen again. I love that. And then you probably have situations too where there’s no way this person’s buying you lunch. You’re going to split the checks, and things are going to be just that way, and that’s just the friendship. Either one is good, I would say.
Mike: You can’t argue that one is necessarily wrong. It’s just different.
Chris: Maybe those people give in other ways. Maybe they’re quicker with a good compliment, and in the other situation, it’s just not that kind of conversation.
Mike: Sure. It does make me think about the deep roots in our friendships and relationships. If a stranger came up to me on the street and wanted to pay me a compliment, that might be even harder for me to receive, because the whole time I’d be like, “Who are you? What is this?” The crazy thing would be if it was a really specific and timely compliment. You’re kind of like, “Okay, God, clearly You’re doing something here.” It makes me think there are two things. One is to speak up and act when I’m prompted. Don’t delay. Every time I wait, I’ll probably talk myself out of it, and every time I act on it, it seems like it was the right thing to do. But two, to consider that maybe everyone else around me is also being prompted. Do I want to get in the way of that by having an issue just receiving?
Chris: Yeah. Being flexible in that too. For instance, today I was planning on buying coffee for somebody I was going to meet with. When he arrived, he said, “You know what? Let me buy you coffee.” Tables turned. So I let him buy me coffee, and we had a great conversation, and I didn’t think anything else of it.
Mike: So take that, for example. Why let him buy you the coffee?
Chris: Because he wanted to. He offered to do that. It’s not worth putting up the fight.
Mike: No. Just let him, because if he let you do it, you would want to be able to do it.
Chris: Exactly. Right. He offered.
Mike: So maybe it’s just a good challenge: we don’t need to get in the way of a good word or a gift. And there’s a whole other conversation if there are strings attached. That’s a whole other episode, and a weird motivation on the other person’s part, and you’re not responsible for someone else’s motivation. But can we just say “Thank you”?
Chris: I hope so. Because I think in the area where you’re called to fundraise, where you might be going on a trip overseas, on a mission trip, a lot of people who are told, “You’re going to need to raise some funds for this mission trip,” might look at that as, “Oh, that’s the last thing I want to do, ask people for money.” And when the money does come in, and it usually does, you’re going to have to practice the art of saying thank you. That might be kind of hard to do. We certainly see that a lot around 121, with mission trips and opportunities there. I don’t think anybody ever looks forward to it: “I can’t wait to get my fundraising letter out there.”
Mike: It’s challenging. It’s a dependency. You’re asking for help. But here’s the beautiful thing about that, whether we’re talking in the church or outside the church: we all need each other, right? We need to pick each other up. Someone may not subscribe to the Bible and to Jesus, and we bring Him up because we’re followers of Jesus, so He’s clearly important to us, and it’d be silly not to. But I think people can grab onto the concept that this life is not meant to be lived in isolation, even though we drift toward isolation because sometimes it feels easier. At the end of the day, I really think deep down we know we need each other. We need friends. We need strong relationships around us. We need counsel. We need wisdom. We need a laugh at times. We might need money. We might need clothing. We just might need a good word. But to think of going through your whole life without getting any of that, or giving it to anyone, I think there’s something in all of us that knows that’s incomplete. Something’s off.
Chris: So would the complete feeling be, taking the fundraising letter example, to say, “I can’t wait to get this out in front of people, so they can exercise their gift of being able to give”?
Mike: I think that’s a way. I’ve thought about that in my past, at different times we’ve raised money. We’ve planted a church. I’ll talk while you fix the microphone.
Chris: Thank you. Sorry if you’re hearing a lot of rattle in the microphone. I think I was going to sink down lower.
Mike: Yeah, it looks more natural the way you’re getting… your shoes are off for this lie-down here. I think yes, because the way I see it, all I’m doing is talking to people about opportunities. No one has to give, right? We’re talking about fundraising specifically, but no one has to do it. I’m just going to ask, and I think people will feel prompted, or will help. It’s just an opportunity. So I need to take that fundraising example, like you’re saying, and go, okay, on any given day, everyone around me has the opportunity to give a compliment or a gift or whatever. And I should embrace it. Just like if I feel prompted, I should embrace that anyone has an opportunity today, even if they say something to me. And you’re making me feel some sense of gratitude. If I can lead with gratitude and thankfulness throughout the day, it might be a little easier to say “Thank you” and just receive it, and just enjoy the compliment, because you’re supposed to enjoy it. If you get a gift, you’re supposed to enjoy the gift. If you buy a Christmas gift for your kids, and they open it and they’re like, “Well, this is terrible,” and they don’t enjoy it, that kind of stinks for both people, including the parent who spent money on the gift.
Chris: It really does. It takes a lot of the fun out of being able to give. When you see that it’s not accepted well, or not treated with thankfulness or gratitude, I think the joy is gone.
Mike: That’s good. All right. So on the way out, as we near the end of the episode: what would you want the person who’s listening to NQT right now, thinking about this conversation, to take away? Hopefully they’re still here with us. They’ve listened through you adjusting your microphone stand multiple times. You’re basically lying on the ground, so we’ve got to wrap things up. What’s the takeaway you want someone to have?
Chris: Say “Thank you.” Accept the gift. You’re going to have opportunities to give, but take the time to understand that that’s how people are wired, number one, and that God also wants to give to you through people. It may be exactly what you need at that time. I don’t think that’s something we’re trained to do, and I don’t think it’s talked about enough. But instead of only practicing your giving muscles, which is always good to do, we have to practice the receiving muscles, or grow them. Just say thank you.
Mike: Try it. Just say thank you.
Chris: Thank you.
Mike: All right. Just going to end it there. We need to get comfortable with silence after “Thank you.”
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